I was told it was time for a new swim suit. The one I have been wearing isn't pretty but it covered all the places that needed to be covered. My sister told me it was time and although I knew she was right, I still cowered to think of finding a suit with enough material to cover this body and make it suitable for public appearance. Three children, Ben and Jerry's, and a tense relationship with my treadmill have not resulted in a "bathing" suit type figure. And who wants to spend all that money on something that makes you self-conscious and yucky?
Carrie took me to Nordstroms.. I have to mention that as I walked into the store, I looked down at my shirt, stroller, and 2 children (the third one had opted out of the trip to the store and chose to stay at his cousin's house shooting alien ships on the computer...he probably made the wisest choice). My shirt was covered with all kinds of crusted, colorful, disgusting souvenirs from my kids, my baby was covered from head to toe with orange spit-up, and my son was wearing an outfit that suddenly looked obsenely small on him...the stroller is a whole other story. It is the kind of store where I half expected an alarm to go off warning the personnel that a grubby person was touching stuff. Anyway...tangent.
We went upstairs and I felt compelled to really examine the rack with the suits that said, "Lose 10 pounds in 10 seconds". I chose some suits, Carrie chose some suits for me and we all headed into the dressing room. Here came my enlightened moment...
I'm trying on these suits with the paper liner in the crotch with my underwear poking out the sides, Hannah is sitting on the floor chewing on the hangars and Matthew is sitting in the stoller clutching a high powered fruit drink and chocolate muffin that Carrie bought him in the snobby Nordstrom cafe and I'm actually liking the moment. And my body doesn't look grotesque, it just looks familiar. I don't love the dimply thighs, cottage cheese butt, or deflated balloon chest but they are mine. I recognize them and I am grateful they work so well. Someday I'm going to lose weight and eat healthy and develop love for my treadmill but right now I'm grateful to be healthy and happy. I'm grateful my body works and functions and keeps up with the stresses. I'm sure if I put all the energy I focus on disliking my body into something else, I could really get things done. And you know what? Black swimsuits hide a lot and a little swim skirt does wonder for your thighs. So next time you go to the pool, look for me. I'll be the big woman in the black swim suit splashing around in the kiddy pool! It will be fun!
Friday, July 22, 2005
Raccoons and Love
"Until you have experienced raccoons mating underneath your bedroom at three in the morning, you have missed one of life's more sensational moments. It is an uncommon event, to say the least. If you've ever heard cats fighting in the night, you have a clue. Magnify the volume and the intensity by ten. It's not what you'd call a sensual and erotic sound. More like a three-alarm fire is what it is.
When I had recovered my aplomb and adjusted to the new adrenaline level, I got a flashlight and went outside and peered up under the house. This lady raccoon and her suitor were squared off in a corner, fangs bared, covered with mud and blood, and not looking very sexy at all.
Neither my presence nor the beam of light could override what drove them on. With snarls and barks and screams, the passionate encounter raged on. While I watched, the matter was finally consummated and resolved. They had no shame. What had to be done was done. And they wandered off, in a kind of glazy-eyed stupor, to groom themselves for whatever might come next in the life of a raccoon.
I sat there in the rain...and I pondered. Why is it that love and life so often have to be carried forth with so much pain and strain and mess? Why isn't love easy?
I don't know. And the raccoons don't say."
(Robert Fulghum, All I Really Know I Learned in Kindergarten)
Yesterday was my 6th wedding anniversary. Chris and I were married on July 16, 1999 in the Mount Timpanogos Temple in American Fork, Utah. I always become a little sentimental on special days and this one was no exception. Chris and I actually met about 5 years before we ever started dating. I was engaged to be married and he was the guy all my roommates had a crush on. My first memory of Chris is watching him walk by our apartment window with his double breasted suit on and listening to this poor group of girls lament on how funny and cute he was but how picky he was when it came to dating. He had been dubbed "The Untouchable Bachelor".
I have often wondered how our lives would be different if OUR story together had started there. Instead it would take lots and lots of life experiences, a series of anxiety attacks, 3 break-ups, broken engagements, and a nasty rainstorm to bring us together. It's like the raccoons...love ain't always easy. When I worked in Young Women's I felt it was my duty to inform them that not every love story is perfect and sometimes the greatest stresses produce the most brilliant diamonds. Chris and I met all those years ago but we had lots of living to do before we could really understand and love each other. When the time finally came, we each brought all our "stuff" to the table to see if we could really find the courage and guts to see this through. I knew he was "the one" because suddenly I wanted this amazing person and his life more than I wanted anything else in the world. By the time we ended up at the temple on July 16th, I had no doubt this man loved me. He had seen me at my best and worst, he had loved me through a lot of ups and downs, and I felt like we had emerged triumphant.
And here we are. Our relationship is far from perfect but we are learning. Six years isn't very long so I hope we have lots more of life to learn from. These last few years have been the best years of my life...not because they have been free from the torments and stresses of life but because every morning I wake up to a man that I know will change my world and perspective before the day is through. He will make me laugh out loud, he will calm me down, he'll inspire me to believe in myself and my potential, he will adore our children and be adored by them, and he will be kind and gentle and patient in all he does. He will put up with my passion and impatience and shortcomings and I will learn a little more about myself and relationships and living. I couldn't ask for more than that.
I have never wanted the fairy tale...I have always wanted the reality. My life WILL end happily ever after. There will be lots of tears and heartaches and joys and celebrations and all of it will be joyful in the deepest places where it really counts. We will continue to work hard and laugh lots and find miracles in places I never dreamed.
Happy anniversary!
When I had recovered my aplomb and adjusted to the new adrenaline level, I got a flashlight and went outside and peered up under the house. This lady raccoon and her suitor were squared off in a corner, fangs bared, covered with mud and blood, and not looking very sexy at all.
Neither my presence nor the beam of light could override what drove them on. With snarls and barks and screams, the passionate encounter raged on. While I watched, the matter was finally consummated and resolved. They had no shame. What had to be done was done. And they wandered off, in a kind of glazy-eyed stupor, to groom themselves for whatever might come next in the life of a raccoon.
I sat there in the rain...and I pondered. Why is it that love and life so often have to be carried forth with so much pain and strain and mess? Why isn't love easy?
I don't know. And the raccoons don't say."
(Robert Fulghum, All I Really Know I Learned in Kindergarten)
Yesterday was my 6th wedding anniversary. Chris and I were married on July 16, 1999 in the Mount Timpanogos Temple in American Fork, Utah. I always become a little sentimental on special days and this one was no exception. Chris and I actually met about 5 years before we ever started dating. I was engaged to be married and he was the guy all my roommates had a crush on. My first memory of Chris is watching him walk by our apartment window with his double breasted suit on and listening to this poor group of girls lament on how funny and cute he was but how picky he was when it came to dating. He had been dubbed "The Untouchable Bachelor".
I have often wondered how our lives would be different if OUR story together had started there. Instead it would take lots and lots of life experiences, a series of anxiety attacks, 3 break-ups, broken engagements, and a nasty rainstorm to bring us together. It's like the raccoons...love ain't always easy. When I worked in Young Women's I felt it was my duty to inform them that not every love story is perfect and sometimes the greatest stresses produce the most brilliant diamonds. Chris and I met all those years ago but we had lots of living to do before we could really understand and love each other. When the time finally came, we each brought all our "stuff" to the table to see if we could really find the courage and guts to see this through. I knew he was "the one" because suddenly I wanted this amazing person and his life more than I wanted anything else in the world. By the time we ended up at the temple on July 16th, I had no doubt this man loved me. He had seen me at my best and worst, he had loved me through a lot of ups and downs, and I felt like we had emerged triumphant.
And here we are. Our relationship is far from perfect but we are learning. Six years isn't very long so I hope we have lots more of life to learn from. These last few years have been the best years of my life...not because they have been free from the torments and stresses of life but because every morning I wake up to a man that I know will change my world and perspective before the day is through. He will make me laugh out loud, he will calm me down, he'll inspire me to believe in myself and my potential, he will adore our children and be adored by them, and he will be kind and gentle and patient in all he does. He will put up with my passion and impatience and shortcomings and I will learn a little more about myself and relationships and living. I couldn't ask for more than that.
I have never wanted the fairy tale...I have always wanted the reality. My life WILL end happily ever after. There will be lots of tears and heartaches and joys and celebrations and all of it will be joyful in the deepest places where it really counts. We will continue to work hard and laugh lots and find miracles in places I never dreamed.
Happy anniversary!
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