WARNING: The actual event that occurred in this post is not really that big of a deal...really. The whole point is how out of proportion I blew it and if I told you what really happened a couple of things would happen. First, I'd embarass one of my children to death and second, you'd think I was crazier than you already know I am. So by not spilling the "details" of the event, I'm not really hiding a big, ole' juicy event...I'm just trying to protect the innocent...and the innocent's mother's sanity.
I really think in 8 years of parenting that the last 24 hours have been my most frustrating. Really. Or have I said that before? If I have, then this is REALLY it. And it is quite possible that it is because I over-reacted to a situation...or didn't handle it exactly right...or something. I partially blame myself. And then I blame a couple of other people that I KNOW messed up. I've been through a variety of emotions today. Let me review some of them for your reading pleasure...
8:00 a.m.: Called my dad crying and wailing. By the time I talked to my mom I was just softly sobbing.
8:30 a.m.: Called my sweet husband at work to tell him I needed to give my 2 week "mothering" notice. Then I told him I needed a vacation. I couldn't decide what I really needed so I opted for some sugar cookie dough.
9:30 a.m.: Started to feel better about the situation. Got a little perspective, calmed myself down.
9:45 a.m.: Talked to a wonderful friend. Hung up feeling warm and fuzzy and grateful to amazing people in my life.
12:00 p.m.: Went in to my children's school and gave a verbal lashing to the assistant dean of something over something (I'm not really sure what she does but I know she was handling this particular situation). It was ugly, it was loud, it was confrontational and man did I feel better after it was all over. The poor woman that shares an office with the above mentioned dean of something was a little taken aback by my outburst. I'm not a confrontational woman...unless you are messing with my children and other people's children and then I can be nasty. Really nasty.
2:30 p.m.: Went to a meeting where I tried to be calm but firm. Here is where I also gained a new perspective on the situation that helped put things into a clearer state.
6:00 p.m.: Was so, so, so, so happy to see my husband walk through the door. I hugged him and kissed him and told him how much I loved him and assured him that after a little thought, I'd decided to revoke my earlier termination request and stay on the job a little longer.
It is not easy being an emotional drama queen.
I've said it before and I'll say it many times again...being a mother is HARD work. Really hard. Each of my 3 children are so different from each other but they do share some commonalities. All 3 of them are very head-strong, very independent, very strong-willed and very determined. I am so grateful for each one of those characteristics...I wouldn't change them but learning to understand my individual children and their needs is so challenging. How I would handle a problem with one is not how I would handle it with another. Some of how those characteristics manifest themself I get and sometimes I am at a total loss. I want to do what is best and sometimes I come close and sometimes I am appalled at far I miss the mark.
I am trying. But I get so frustrated at myself.
I wasn't there to see this aforementioned situation unfold. I was relying on lots of other people's information...and all of those people had a slight variation on the story. I was eager to handle the situation in a way that was appropriate for my child but not having all the facts made that hard. I realized later that I may not have given him the benefit of the doubt and may have acted too harshly. So what is the lesson learned?
The Lord knows my children PERFECTLY...all their strengths, weaknesses, joys, sorrows, etc. This parenting thing is a divine partnership. I don't have to do it alone...but I also realize that I don't rely enough on the Spirit in handling things. I tend to be very impulsive and emotional and have trouble checking what comes immediately versus what comes if I take a little time and step back from the situation, ask for help, and readdress things. The Lord can guide me, inspire me, and teach me how to be the best mom to each one of my individual children. I need to rely on that more...and be more spiritually in tune to receive that help.
Live and learn...and hope the therapy bills won't bankrupt us in the future!!
