Blessed Motherhood

Two of my favorite people became parents for the first time this week. I've been looking at pictures of their beautiful baby girl and wondering how their new family is doing. Becoming a parent for the first time is undescribable. Nothing can prepare you for the miracle of a new baby, the sleep deprivation, the happiness and joy or the really discouraging frustrations. I had watched too much T.V. before having my first child. I had it all mapped out in my head...I would go into labor, husband and I would whisk away to the hospital where we would practice our hynobirthing and deliver our child in record time with no drugs, just peaceful relaxation and new-age music. The baby would be laid on my chest where I would cradle him while softly cooing, "My baby. My precious baby." Husband and I would hug and kiss and gaze in awe at our little bundle of joy. I would hold him to my breast where he would instantly latch on and begin nursing while I savored the moment I became a mom. And it goes on and on and on...can you appreciate what too much T.V. can do to your mind? Now let me share what really happened.

I suffered from horrible, excruciating anxiety attacks for the last 3 months of my pregnancy. I lost weight, couldn't eat, paced the floors, and thought I was really, truly losing my mind. I couldn't even consider the joy of the upcoming event because I was too worried about surviving the next 10 minutes of my life. It was really frustrating to want to feel one way and to feel like a slave to the other emotions I couldn't seem to control. Blah.

Early one morning (2 weeks before my due date) my water broke and because there was meconium (otherwise known as "poop") in the fluid, we were encouraged to RUSH to the hospital as quickly as we could. I sat in the car dazed (it was really early in the morning) and somewhat baffled at what was happening. I do remember eating Cheerios out of a cup and wishing it had been the big steak and potato dinner I had planned for myself as the "final meal". We got to the hospital where the doctor checked me out and announced the baby was breech. Due to the meconium in the fluid and the fact that the baby was wedged the wrong way, we had to throw away the hypnobirthing plan and readjust to having a C-section. Minutes later I was in the operating room drugged with lots of Valium to calm me down and making my husband tell me funny stories about the secretary at work while the baby was being born. I remember them holding him up for a couple of seconds and then rushing him away. I lay on the table and studied the funny pattern on the ceiling. To this day I don't know if the funny pattern was really all that funny or if the Valium just made everything look that way. Once I was back in the recovery room, they brought J. in and laid him in my arms. I remember looking at him and instead of those warm, fuzzy feelings I expected to have, I just felt a little overwhelmed. I wondered how they were certain this was my baby and how they didn't mix up all the babies in the hospital (remember...I was on Valium still!). He was whisked away again and I'm a little foggy on the next few hours.

Well, 4 days later I was walking around the block at 5:00 a.m. in the morning sobbing hysterically while my husband patted me on the back and told me it would all be O.K. My little baby cried a lot and nursing really, really "sucked" (get it??). I was so sleep deprived and exhausted that I had decided we would have to give the baby up for adoption which prompted the walk around the block. Bless my husband's heart....instead of telling me I was crazy, he just patted me on the back and said, "Well, that certainly is an option. Why don't we get a little sleep and talk about it in the morning!" It wasn't the picture perfect reality I had expected. But there is good news...

Despite the horror of the 3 months before J. was born, I knew it was all going to be alright. I received a blessing from my husband where I was assured that this baby knew what I was going through and that I would feel his love and support as we went through this trial together. He and I experienced a lot as we prepared for him to come to earth. I still feel J.'s unquestioning love and support every day as I try to figure out how to be his mom. I will forever be grateful for his powerful spirit.

Moments before I went into the unexpected C-section, I felt that J.'s 2 grandfathers were by his side and somehow escorting him to mortality. My son would be healthy and happy and loved.

And during the periods where J. cried and couldn't nurse very well, I felt a fierce love and determination to figure out how to make it all work. I knew he was my baby and that I had the gifts he needed in order to be his mother. I just had to be patient.

And then came the peaceful moment one night when I was holding my newborn baby and I started to cry because I knew these moments of holding him in my arms and being a new mom were going to come and go so quickly that it would all seem like a dream.

He is 5 years old now and there isn't a time when he walks into my room in the morning and I feel a little thrill that he is my boy and that I have a whole glorious day with him. It is hard to believe that the long, lanky boy who climbs into my lap these days and snuggles is the same little boy I held in my arms all those mornings ago and wondered if he was really mine. I'm glad motherhood isn't one long rainbow movie with sappy music. I'm glad that I have to fight and be determined and rely a whole lot on my Heavenly Father because a long the way I'm learning so much about myself and what I'm really made of. I'm tougher than I thought, more emtional than I could have ever believed and really weak in lots of things but I'm learning and growing and having a truly marvelous experience along the way.

So I'd like to dedicate this blog to all the new parents out there...savor every moment, they truly go so fast. Don't worry about the really sad, hard, frustrating moments...they will go away and be replaced with knowledge and strength. And don't ever doubt for a moment that you are experiencing the greatest joy you will ever know on this earth.

(Now go take a nap!)