What If?

Friday morning it was hard to get out of bed because baby had been awake a couple of times during the night with his painful teething. I was so grateful it was "pizza" day at school because I didn't have to pack school lunches. I was frustrated at all 3 of my kids because they had forgotten to finish some homework. We were scrambling to get things done and get things together...and at one point I looked out the window and dreamed of the moment they would all climb in the car and leave for school and I could relax. Hannah didn't get her hair brushed and left with it sticking out all over under her "Hello Kitty" hat. I don 't think one of the boys was wearing deodrant and I know the other one hadn't brushed his teeth. It was a little chaotic. It was typical.

And then the unthinkable happened.

A friend called to see if I had been watching the news that morning. I hadn't so she filled me in on what had been happening in Connecticut. As I got in the car to run some errands, I turned on the radio and listened to the reports coming in. I parked the car after a few moments and called my husband. I started crying and for a few minutes I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop. The horror of what had happened was almost too much for me to even wrap my mind around. How could I even contemplate that type of scenario...the loss of life...the loss of innocence...the tragedy for every student, teacher, parent, member of the community?! I have never felt so overwhelmed by grief and sheer sadness. I turned off the radio and breathed deeply. But several minutes later as I was driving to do my next errand, I turned the radio back on and cried some more. I kept thinking back to the morning I had had with my kids...

What if?

What if that had been my children?

What if that had been my tragedy?

Suddenly I didn't care about their homework or hair or lost shoes. Suddenly I didn't care about the chaos and mess because that chaos and mess meant my children were alive. Suddenly I wanted to go back and do the whole morning over.

I would jump out of bed and welcome the opportunity to climb into their beds as I was waking them up and snuggle with them for just a moment. I would whisper in their ears how much I loved them and how glad I was that I was their mom. I would fix them breakfast and make sure they had eaten. I would take the time to brush Hannah's hair because it is a small gesture that tells her she is worth the time and effort. I would hug and kiss their faces before they walked out the door and tell them how much I loved them and how much I would miss them while they were gone. I would stand at the door and blow kisses and wave to them until they disappeared around the corner and then I would offer a silent prayer that the Lord would watch over them until they came home again. That "What if" offered some much needed perspective and provided a much needed reminder to not get caught up in the meaningless details.

I love my children. I want my every day with them to be more gentle, more kind, more filled with love and laughter. I want to remember that even the frustrating moments are moments to be extra patient and possess teaching opportunities that are changing me as a mother and an individual.

My heart and prayers go out to every mother and father and sister and brother and friend who lost someone so dear and precious to them on Friday. My heart and prayers are with both the children who lost their lives and the children who are facing a loss of innocence in their lives. I still believe there is more good than evil in this world. There were many heroes that day. I will choose to focus on them and let God handle the others. I am grateful for the testimony I have of a loving Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for the knowledge of eternal life and eternal families. I am so grateful to be a wife and mother. I am grateful for my 4 dear children.