Life

As a child, I feared cancer. I didn't know anyone with cancer but I think I had read enough really sappy books to get all worked up about the possibilities. I started to write stories about people with cancer (Don't Stop Me Now, I'm On My Way) and I would lay awake in bed at night trying to figure out what I would do if I had cancer. When I got my period for the first time, I thought I was dying of cancer and dreaded having to tell my mom that her first born child had only days to live. Every time I got a headache or cough, I was convinced it was cancer. Growing up really hasn't tamed the fear a whole lot...but interesting things are happening all around me.

Both my paternal grandparents suffered from various forms of cancer. My darling aunt passed away just recently after suffering from cancer. My sister-in-law is adapting to a life where she will never, ever be cancer free and is hoping that on-going chemotherapy treatments will keep the cancer at bay long enough for her to see her children grow up. My dear friend is in the middle of fighting a painful battle for the third time with lupus. The chemotherapy is causing her hair to fall out and she throws up all day long. I was talking to her on the phone today and said, "Don't you wish you could just go in to a coma and have someone wake you up when you are healthy and it is all over?" and before I finished the sentence she replied, "No! No! Because I would miss so many of the beautiful, tender, wonderful moments that are happening to me each day. I would miss the people who have been so incredibly kind and the tender mercies of the Lord. I feel things more passionately and get so emotional at the small things I witness in my life."

Her perspective has caused me to wonder at myself and my life all day.

I played with her children for a couple of hours this afternoon and they are as wonderful and strong and beautiful as their mother is. Through all the trauma, each of them is being blessed in strange, amazing ways. Suddenly in the middle of the horror, I see some of the beauty that comes in the refiners fire. Our lives are blessed in ways that we can't begin to fathom. I'm not mature enough to say that I can accept all that happens to me with a positive, cheerful spirit but I can see how some of the trials I've had have truly blessed my life. My friend and sister-in-law are true heroes and I feel blessed to have their influence and beauty in my life. Because of what they are experiencing, I am learning to understand what is really important in life and what is not. I'm learning to savor more and complain less. I'm learning to sit quietly more often and hold my children longer.

I'm learning how to live better.