My Side of the Story....Part 2

Last February I started writing our "adoption" story...it is taking a little while to finish it. My desire in writing down this experience has several purposes...first, to remember. By writing down these experiences, not only does it help me remember the details but it helps me see and recognize details that I hadn't noticed before. Again and again I am amazed at the tender mercies of the Lord in this process that started years ago but haven't been recognized or appreciated until now. I truly testify that the Lord is aware of us. Every prayer that is uttered is heard and being answered, whether we see it or not. Answers can be a process....a series of events and opportunities that have to be given time to unfold. And what we may see in our limited mortal perspective as being the right answer may not be the Lord's answer. We have to trust Him. I am so grateful for the journey and what we have learned...but it truly has taken until now to understand some parts of the journey.

Second, this experience happened the way it did because of the people the Lord placed in our path. Their testimonies, examples, and willingness to share helped us receive the answers and have the courage to travel this road previously untraveled. In writing down our experience, I hope to give back. Every single adoption story is different and unique. But there are threads that we share...and I hope that maybe our experience will provide an insight or shed some light on this amazing blessing. Sometimes just knowing that other people had walked the road was enough to strengthen us when we didn't know what to do. There is comfort and strength in our shared experiences.

So here is part 2 of the story. If you would like to read part 1, it can be found HERE!

One July afternoon, I was flipping through the June 2011 Ensign magazine when I came across an article that literally stopped me in my tracks. It was entitled “Defending the Family In a Troubled World” by Elder Bruce D. Porter- and as I read the inspired words, the Spirit testified very powerfully to me that there was another child that was supposed to come to our family. I was completely and totally overwhelmed. I think I even closed the magazine and tossed it across the room. I felt a surge of conflicting emotions…why had the Lord asked me to go through a year of accepting that our family was complete only to be told that it wasn’t? Why did He allow me to become excited about all the prospects for the future only to feel that those weren’t the prospects that were going to be presented? 

That afternoon, Hannah attended a birthday party at her friend Spencer’s house…Spencer’s mom Michelle was one of the friends that I felt complete confidence in confiding with during this whole experience and so I told her the experience I had had and how overwhelmed I was at the impression I had received. She shared with me that the agency they had adopted their 2 daughters through had just contacted them and told them that the birth mother of their youngest daughter was expecting another baby…a boy… and wanted to know if they were interested in adopting him. Michelle said she didn’t feel like this was meant to be their baby. I looked her in the eye and said, “What if he is supposed to be mine?” I shared with her the feeling that I had that there was a child missing and that I felt like this baby was going to be an African American boy. I also shared my concerns…what did I know about raising a black child? What did I know about raising an African American boy? How would I know what to do? We talked for a long time and I left feeling truly uplifted and comforted by the things she shared with me. If this was the Lord’s will, then we would know what to do. I needed to have faith.

I called Chris on the way home and shared with him what Michelle had told me about the little boy being put up for adoption. We had continued to discuss adoption here and there…and I had even mentioned that I was open to a trans-racial adoption…but Chris still had some hesitations and concerns. I didn’t tell him about the strong impression I had had that afternoon while reading the Ensign article…I don’t know why. I just needed time to process things. Chris didn’t say much but agreed we needed to continue to talk about things. When I arrived home, I went out to get the mail and was completely shocked when I opened the mailbox. I had received a free subscription to a magazine called “LDS Living” and the issue I found in my mailbox that day (August 2011) had an African American man on the cover with the title of the main story called “God GiftedMe My Race” by Keith Hamilton. I honestly could not believe it. I read the article and was amazed, completely and totally amazed, at how many of my questions it answered and the peace it brought to the experiences of the day. It was such an amazing coincidence! The Lord is truly merciful!

All these thoughts raced around in my head and heart. I finally shared with Chris the experience I had had reading the Ensign article and how overwhelmed I felt. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell him but I needed to come to some peace and understanding in my own mind. The feelings were so strong and raw. I found myself suddenly wanting to move in one direction but feeling prompted to move in another. I was a little confused and bewildered…and I still didn’t understand how this was supposed to happen. Hadn’t we tried to do all we could over the last 5 years? What now? 

On the one hand I yearned for another baby…OUR baby. But on the other hand, I was excited about the prospects that awaited me personally and our family as we moved forward. Hannah would be in first grade…I could go back to work part time…we could travel and do things we hadn’t been able to do while our children were small…could we go back to diapers and middle of the night feedings…back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. 

Toward the end of summer 2011, we had a serious discussion one night about what we needed to do. It is easy to get stuck in the lull of “indecision”. You know you have a tough choice to make but you put it in the background and avoid making the choice, hoping it will just resolve itself. I really wanted that…either I would get pregnant and that would be that or someone would suddenly call and offer us a child. And we would just go with it. I kind of wanted that. I didn’t want to have to make the difficult decision…I just wanted it to be made for us and then we’d go with it. Daily life kept us so busy that it was easy for time to pass. And yet it was always there. When it was quiet, when I was praying, when I was reading or studying the scriptures…I knew. And I knew that the Lord needed me to go through the process of choosing and moving. I needed spiritual confidence and the only way to gain that was to “do it”. The night we had our serious discussion Chris said he felt we needed to move both directions and have faith that as we did, one of the directions would open itself and the other would close. We needed to demonstrate to the Lord our willingness to continue to work and pray. We needed spiritual and emotional endurance. Answers aren’t given just because we ask one time. And we can’t quit just because it takes a month…or 5 years. I also doubted my ability to really receive and act upon spiritual/personal revelation. I struggled with what I wanted vs. what was wanted OF me. I wanted to hear the voice of the Lord but sometimes wondered if His voice was being shut out by the screaming of my own voice. But Chris’ plan made perfect sense. We decided to visit a fertility specialist in the area and to also contact the adoption agency again and see what we needed to do to move forward.

Interesting side note…after talking to several friends and researching some things on the internet, we had decided to use a local adoption agency called “Heart and SoulAdoptions”. I had tried to contact them several times during the summer and hadn’t had anyone respond to my phone calls. I was discouraged and perplexed. And those friends who had adopted through them were REALLY surprised. Their experience contacting and working with them had been wonderful and they were surprised that I was having difficulty contacting anyone. And yet I persisted. At one point I did have contact with the woman in charge of adoptive families and we had a good conversation that led to me printing out all the documents and paperwork from their website…but all the paper work ended up in a drawer in my bedroom and never saw much “action”. 

Fall of 2011 we made an appointment to see a well-known and respected fertility specialist in our area. During our first consultation with him, we laid out our thoughts and feelings about fertility vs. adoption. I shared with him that if the only means to getting pregnant were in vitro, then I would prefer to adopt…and at that point he shared his strong opinions against adoption. I have to admit I was absolutely and completely shocked at what this doctor was saying. We had so many friends whose beautiful families had come together through adoption. We had close neighbors and friends whose families bore strong testimony to us of the Lord’s love for all of his children and the eternal nature of families…no matter how those families found each other. And here was a “medical professional” telling me what a terrible mistake adoption was…how we would never “know what we were getting”…how we were walking into someone else’s mess. I couldn’t believe his insensitivity and downright ignorance. He ran some blood tests and we left.

A few days later we went back to get the results of the tests he had done. They all came back indicating that things were fine with both Chris and I. During the course of the discussion, adoption came up again and before the doctor could launch into his lecture of the horrors of adopting, I told him I needed him to respect that we had very differing views on the matter and to stop trying to dissuade us from a decision that was personal between Chris, me and the Lord. The more he tried to talk us out of it, the more I think we began to feel that adoption was the right decision for us. At one point during the appointment, after the doctor had left the room, I began to cry. I felt the presence of our son so strongly. I knew he was out there. I knew he belonged to our family but I told Chris I just didn’t know how to get him to our family. How on earth would we find him? 

As we left the fertility doctor’s office that day, we knew. This was not how our baby was going to come to our family. Both of us had received that confirmation and assurance…but now what?

A few weeks passed. We talked, we thought, and life went on. At the end of September Chris attended the priesthood session of stake conference and during that session wrote down a challenge our stake president gave that if each individual would approach listening to general conference with a question or problem they wanted answered, that they would receive the inspiration and have their question answered during conference. We challenged each of our children to have a question they wanted answered and so Saturday morning before the first session of the October 2011 conference, as we were sitting in Kneaders eating unlimited French toast to celebrate Matthew’s 9^th birthday, we went around the table and asked the kids what their question was. At the end I asked Chris what his question was. He said he wanted a confirmation once and for all that we were supposed to adopt and how we should proceed. The experience we had that morning while watching conference would change our lives forever. 

To Be Continued....