Us...The Posed and The Real.

My name is Amy. It has been 5.5 months since I last blogged...not for lack of "wanting" to...just a serious lack of uninterrupted time. And the fact that if I am sitting in the blue chair with the computer on, I usually have one or more little people sitting in my lap trying to help...and little people helping is no help at all. 

Back to the matter at hand. 

Last week we bit the almighty bullet and took the whole gang to go get updated family pictures taken. The large canvas print on my living room wall is not only outdated, but missing the little girl with the big chocolate eyes and dimples. Because trying to take any kind of picture, much less a "professional" family picture, is a little bit like paper cuts with lemon juice poured on top, we had considered other options. For example...paint a gold patch on the bottom and glue a picture of Ava on it, have Hannah paint her in, take a picture of Ava, cut it out and glue her in Jacob's arms, etc. We finally just figured we'd take the pictures and let whatever we got document this time period in our family's crazy life.

So of course on the day we were scheduled...Spencer was running a temperature of 102.5 and in rare "Don't touch me! I don't like that!" form, Ava, who normally takes deliciously long naps, had refused and was going on a 20 minute cat nap, and my hair looked like some kind of bad melted synthetic wig. But persist we did...ladies and gentleman...presenting my favorite people...fever, sleep deprivation and all.

This is what happens when the photographer says, "Look at each other and laugh." I'm pretty sure this isn't what she had in mind but we do appreciate the dramatic antics of our middle schooler...and the death stare of our 2-year old.

Oh my Hannah girl...beautiful inside and out.

And my Ava girl...despite the fact that it looks like she is dressed in red clown shoes, she fills my heart with so much happy every day that I can't imagine what we ever did without her.

Happiest spirit ever...AND 2 dimples to match. Sheer perfection!

Despite the fever eyes, he still makes my heart beat fast. 

My 13-year old suddenly looks like a man...although by the end of the photo shoot the "smoldering" model look was getting old. I don't know where he developed the look...in the basement  bathroom mirror?!

Us. And my feet in placed in a completely natural position.

Spencer's face BEFORE we bribed him with fruit snacks.

Spencer's face AFTER he was sufficiently bribed.

OK...here is the best part of the photo shoot. Unbeknownst to Chris and I, Jake had brought his aviator sunglasses that he is very proud of and apparently  make him feel like a male model when he wears them. He BEGGED us to let him wear them during most of the photo shoot...and we patiently had to explain over and over again why we didn't want him wearing aviator sunglasses in the family picture that was going to be blown up and placed in the living room. We kept promising he could take a picture with them...well, our amazing photographer, who had a few sons herself, finally told Jake to grab his glasses and step over into the corner. And for a few glorious minutes, Jake got to live out all his dreams of wearing aviator sunglasses and being a male model. Who knew? Chris and I were laughing so hard (from a respectful distance of course) while she was taking the pictures but then I had to admit being somewhat impressed when I saw them later. Who knew my giant, gentle 13-year old could perform Shakespeare, win state math competitions, love science, AND smolder like a Gap model?! 

Forget the blown up family picture...maybe we'll just blow up Jake's face with aviator glasses!

This picture demonstrates one of the thousands of reasons why I love Fotofly Studios...the spontaneous moments they capture in between the "posed" photographs that always take my breath away!

He is one of the most amazing little spirits I have ever known.

Be still my heart!

My beautiful, sweet, smart, funny, talented, amazing girls!

Oh, how I love this boy! Isn't he handsome?


My amazing, smart, talented, kind, gentle boys!


Love my "big" girl!

Us.

The "real" us.



Well...there you have it. We don't hang around these parts much lately but consider yourself updated and informed!

I love pictures of my family.

This is a chaotic time in our family. We are busy...busy with big people, busy with small people, busy with life. I don't always handle things very gracefully. I often feel like I am floundering in all the mess but pictures capture the moments I love, the faces and time periods in our family's life that one day my heart will desperately miss. I love my children's eyes and their smiles and their silliness and their seriousness and their personalities. I love my husband and this journey we are on together...I am deeply, profoundly grateful. And I want to remember that...every day...in all the mess and chaos...there is so much beauty to capture and hold and remember.

Remember...that is the key!

My Littles

I will be honest...there are very few things in life that I like more than pictures of my children adorning every wall and square inch of my home! And I believe in frequent picture taking...especially when you have a place that is extremely, ridiculously reasonably priced, is amazing with children, and consistently takes the most awesome pictures ever! And it helps that I think the subject matter is so cute!

Here they are...our 5 beautiful children!

 
My oldest is suddenly becoming a "man" with his deep voice, wicked sense of humor, and amazing post-P.E. body odor that fills the car when I pick him up. His strengths and abilities seem to have no bounds. I am amazed at his fearlessness in trying anything. He is in 7th grade this year and marched into this brand new experience with a self-assurance and confidence that many people spend a life time trying to obtain. He ran for student council, participated with the drama club at the Shakespeare festival in Cedar City, is in the middle school play, was chosen by the math department as 1 of 10 seventh grade students to compete in the state math competition this March, was recognized this last week at a special awards ceremony at B.Y.U. for a high math score he received on an advanced math test and got in the car one day and announced that he had entered the school geography bee on a whim...and taken 3rd place!!!! He is constantly begging to go to the library to get new books because even though he checks out a stack each time, he devours them and is terrified of not having a book to read. I love his unique sense of style and his passion for all things Dr. Who (see the British suspenders above!). When I look at this picture, those are the things I see in the face of this great, big, wonderful boy of mine.

             

Oh, how I love, love, love this face! This is a boy filled to the brim and overflowing with passion...passion for soccer, passion for his family and siblings...especially the littlest ones... passion for his friends, passion for having fun. He has an incredibly tender heart even though he will claim to find most things his parents do as being incredibly "awkward". He has this unbelievable head of hair...thick and wavy and unruly...and I love seeing each morning how he chooses to style it. He has a style all his own...red skinny jeans, BYU sports jacket, soccer shirts, athletic warm up pants, fedoras, and anything Nike. This boy loves to play and being outside truly feeds his soul. I have watched him develop his skills in soccer with a determination and passion that has been inspiring to me. I love to watch him play because not only does he put his whole heart and soul into the game, but he truly loves the sport. No one in the world adores his littlest brother and sister more than this boy. His younger brother lights up when he walks in the room. This boy knows how to have fun and is so, so social. When I look at his picture I am reminded that he is a young man full of qualities I love, respect, admire, and aspire to. 

What do I say about this beautiful girl who owns a piece of my heart and soul?! When I found out I was having a girl, I cried. I had this profound feeling that I had been lonely for her for a long time and that this was an announcement I had anticipated in my soul since leaving her side. The reunion was so sweet as I looked into her face for the first time and recognized her. She is blessed with so many gifts, talents and abilities. She is a talented author and illustrator with books and short stories and activity books and coloring books literally filling every nook and cranny of her bedroom. She is an amazing artist. Her imagination and enthusiasm is limitless. Other people are drawn to her for those reasons. She taught herself to play the piano and then began composing her own music. There are sheets of it spilling out of our piano bench. This girl has determination and is not afraid to let you know what she thinks and how she wants something done. She still craves snuggles and kisses and hugs every single day. Her favorite thing is to cuddle up next to me in my bed and have me read a story to her. She is sweet and sassy and adventurous! When I look at her picture I see so much potential in those eyes. This is a woman who has been sent to change the world, with a light that cannot be hidden.  

As I lay in the hospital with my newborn girl baby, I remember being filled with a strong impression that there was another child...a boy. His spirit has lived in my heart for a long time. I knew he was out there, I knew he was mine, and I knew he was making his presence known so that I wouldn't be distracted and forget about him. I needed his strength of spirit because finding him would take time. But when I held him in my arms for the first time, I knew him. My entire soul, my entire heart recognized him because in some eternal, divine way, he had been with me for a long time. I also remember looking into his eyes for the first time and sensing an incredibly strong spirit. This little boy is filled with intensity and determination in every single thing he does. He is gifted with incredible physical and emotional strength and stamina. He is so, so smart! Every day I am amazed at how quickly he learns things and reminded at how much he knows. This boy loves his family. He loves his blue blankie and sippy cup of milk. He craves and demands to be held and snuggled and adored every single day. He plays hard. He asks for his older brothers and sister by name when they aren't home and lights up when they walk through the door. He spends the day loving on his new little sister and being amazed at how little she is and what she is learning to do. When I look at these pictures of my boy, I reminded that God is in charge, that families are eternal, and that love stories are real. This boy feeds my heart and soul every single day!.

And my precious, darling angel girl! As soon as we had Spencer, I knew there was another baby...a girl. It made my head explode a little bit to think this process we had just gone through to adopt Spencer was waiting for us again. But I yearned for her...I wondered about her. I prayed for her and I carried the dream of her in my heart for a long time. When Chris and I received that call at 11:30 a.m. one Sunday morning that a little girl had been born in Detroit, we knew instantly that it was her. Neither one of us could restrain the tears or the way our hearts jumped. I instantly became overwhelmed with the need to be with her, to hold her, to be where she was. This little girl is truly an angel. She is beautiful both inside and out. I have never had a baby like her...she is happy, smiley, content, patient, and so sweet. She has slept like a champion from the beginning. She wants nothing more in life than to be held and adored. I feel the strength and purity of her beautiful spirit every day. She makes everything around her beautiful. She makes people happy with her willing smile and darling dimples. She is content with such simple things. Bringing her home brought such a sweet spirit. She is loved and adored by every one of her older siblings. And every night when I sit in the big, blue chair with her, I marvel at the privilege and blessing it is to be her mom. I feel in my heart that one of her purposes in life will be to bring joy and peace to the world around her. What a gift to bring to earth! When I look at her picture, I feel such joy and such immense gratitude that she is mine and that I have the privilege of taking this journey with her. What an incredible blessing!

That is why these pictures are so important to me. They capture moments, they capture feelings, they are a reminder of who I am and what I want to be. These pictures speak to my soul of love and family and joy and peace. They remind me of what is really important. 

Bringing Ava home was completing a circle...we knew every member of our little family was here and for the first time in a very long time, I felt my spirit sighing. I didn't have to wonder any longer...I could hold them and kiss them and be amazed every day as I watch the very individual journeys each of them are on. 

Family is a joy!

Thank You

November 2013


Dear Friends and Family,

I hope you will forgive this “form letter” but as I sat down tonight with an earnest desire to write each of you a thank you note for the immense service you have given our family over the last 10 days, I felt impressed to share some of the feelings I have had during this experience.

It is a humbling experience to have a family that you are physically unable to take care of for a time. When we received the phone call that our daughter had been born and we had less than 24 hours to get ourselves to Detroit, we were overwhelmed. We felt an absolute certainty that this child was our daughter and we yearned to physically be there but we could not fathom how we were going to make that happen. Within minutes, we had committed ourselves to be on a plane within 5 hours and to prepare our family for us to be gone for a significant but undefined period of time. As I sit and type that tonight, it makes me laugh! We have 4 children…3 of them attend different schools and one of them is still a baby himself. Over the last few days, I have often thought of the analogy of being willing to take a step into the darkness with absolute faith that your way will be lighted when the time comes. What I have learned is that while the Lord provides that light, He does so through others. We provide the light to each other at critical, crucial moments in life. And our family has been the recipient of angels’ work this week.

Thank you to each one of you for the kind, unselfish, tender service you offered. Whether it was offering to care for our children or assuming all the carpool responsibilities for getting to and from school or providing meals or cleaning our house or just sending texts and emails to offer support and love, you have made such a difference in our family. Every single time that our family had a need that we weren’t certain how to meet, someone would step forward and knew exactly what to offer and how to help. Every text you sent offering a ride or a meal was a direct answer to prayer. I am deeply touched by the love you have shown and offered. I am keenly aware that each of you played a very real part in bringing our Ava home! Every act has left a deep impression on my heart and made me earnestly desire to be more Christ-like, more aware, and more eager to help others in my own life. I have been touched by your examples and truly feel that over and over I have literally seen the hand of God taking care of my family when I couldn’t. I really can’t express my gratitude enough. Thank you!

Bringing each of our children home has been a miracle. They have each arrived with their own unique stories and evidence of the Lord’s perfect love for his children. We also recognize the utter dependence we have had to develop on our Savior to guide and direct us. I testify that the Lord dreams bigger dreams for us and has a greater imagination than we could ever fathom for our lives. Thank you for being a very real part of making our family’s dream come true!

Thank you again for everything you have done over the 10 days. We hope you know how much you mean to our family and how much your love has meant!

The Story of Ava

There was a time in my life where one of my most earnest desires was that my life would be filled with lots of adventures...and the more spontaneous, the better! I know that seems like a strange thing to "earnestly" desire but I just wanted to be sure that wherever I ended up, whatever I did, there would be new things and adventures and surprises. And I don't need to know all the details...things have a way of working themselves out in the most delightful ways when we let go of a little bit of control and allow life to surprise us. 

I also crave good stories. Really good stories. And when you place the events of your life into that "Wow, this will be a really good story" category, events have a way of looking different.

Well, I can testify that God hears prayers and recognizes desires...even strange ones...like wanting adventure and needing a good story. My life has been FILLED with both. Dating Chris, getting married, our actual wedding day, and the birth of every one of my 5 children. Every one of them came sliding into this world on their own adventure and with a unique story to tell. This is the story of my 5th child and 2nd daughter...her name is Ava.

Ava has been growing in my heart for many years. I knew after Hannah was born that there were more children meant for our family and I suspected at least one of those children would be a boy. Spencer made himself known...he wasn't going to wait any longer or be forgotten. And although it took a few years, he made it! But almost as soon as Spencer arrived, I knew there was one more baby...and that this one would be girl. On our first night out six weeks after Spencer was born, I leaned across the table at our Thai restaurant and laid that news out in the open. I have a really bad sense of timing. Here we had just signed over our life savings, were dealing with a brand new baby, and struggling to understand what the new normal was going to look like for our family and I choose that one quiet moment to introduce more chaos. I was genuinely worried that my husband's head was going to explode. But I knew it and I knew both of us were going to need time to wrap our hearts and minds around the idea.

That idea stayed firmly rooted in my mind and heart but I knew that like anything in life, this was about timing and I needed to be patient and wait on the Lord. I also had my hands full and needed to take care of my family. I needed time and knew that if we put our trust in the Lord, He would let us know when the timing was right and what we needed to do.

Last June Chris and I attended the temple with my nephew and his soon-to-be bride. I did not go thinking about our daughter or adoption. And yet the moment the session started, I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face. I felt an overwhelming sense that she was very real and that I needed to pray for her. And so I bowed my head and prayed that she would be protected and watched over and that she would be filled with the knowledge that she had a family who loved her and were waiting for her. I can't describe the enormity of that experience. But I knew the time was right to start moving forward. And I will be honest...that overwhelmed me.

It took us some time to get things together and get our papers submitted. We had no hesitation about going through Heart and Soul Adoptions, the agency that had brought us Spencer. We have a very close relationship with the remarkable women who run the agency and a tremendous respect for how they do the work they do. Our biggest concern was financial. We had used every penny in our savings for Spencer's adoption and were still recovering. We truly did not have a clue how this was going to happen but Chris and I both felt that developing faith in this process was an important part of this process. We needed to be reminded that this was not our work but HIS work and if we could trust Him and be willing to do what was asked then the way would be opened up. But if was really hard because we were unable to see how that way was going to be possible.

 

We finally completed our paperwork and turned it in. We knew there would be a waiting period while clearances and background checks had to clear but we were anxious to be ready and prepared. Just a couple of days after all our paperwork had been submitted, a miracle happened...an honest to goodness modern day miracle...and we had the funds to adopt! All I can do is bear you my earnest witness that your life is in the Lord's hands and He loves His children in ways that our limited understanding can't comprehend. We did not have a clue how we were going to raise that kind of money...not even a vague idea. But we moved forward and after we demonstrated our faith, it happened. We were overwhelmed and humbled and felt so blessed! 

And then we waited. Spencer won't be 2 until January so while I felt anxious to bring my little girl home, I also felt a sense of wanting as much time as possible for Spencer to grow and mature a little bit more. We prayed every day and thought about her often, but waited and waited.

A couple of weeks ago, our social worker at the agency contacted us with 2 potential situations. She emailed us the information and Chris and I looked over it but neither situation felt right. That night as we went to bed, both of us discussed how we had been feeling and realized we had both been feeling the exact same thing. This wasn't it! We needed to keep moving forward.

Last Sunday, November 3rd, Chris came into the Relief Society room right at the beginning of the 3rd hour and asked if he could talk to me for a minute in the hall. I could tell he had been crying and I was instantly nervous. We stepped out into the hall and he told me that Rachel from Heart and Soul had just called him and wanted to talk to both of us about a potential situation. We immediately went out to the car and called her back. She explained that early that morning a baby girl had been born in Detroit, Michigan and asked if we might be interested. Rachel gave us some more details and then we asked for a few minutes to talk about it. 

We hung up the phone and looked at each other for 2 seconds before both us started crying. This was it! This was our daughter...she was here! We called Rachel back and told her "yes"! Rachel told us we needed to try and be in Detroit by Monday morning so birth mom could sign and be discharged from the hospital. And thus ensued complete chaos.

We rushed home and with the help of amazing family and friends, we were packed and boarding a plane by 5:00 p.m. that night. It has been surreal to say the least.

We arrived in Detroit at around 1:30 a .m., rented a car, lucked out finding an incredible hotel, and went to bed (kind of) anticipating what was before us. 

And here we are.

We spent all day Monday and part of Tuesday with Ava's birth parents before she was officially discharged from the hospital and we were able to leave with her. Ava's birth parents are wonderful people! We are so grateful for the time we had to get to know them a little bit and to have them know us. This was their first daughter after several boys. They had been told in an ultrasound that this baby was a boy and so they were pretty surprised when she was girl.  Birth mom had also chosen a family in CA to place her with but when Ava showed up on the scene a little early in Michigan instead of Utah, plans had to change. Over and over again we have seen miracles as the hand of Lord intervened and blessed each of us. Placing their daughter for adoption has been heart breaking for both of them but birth mom explained she believed it would be selfish of her to keep the baby and not be able to provide what they both desired for her life to filled with. I can't imagine the courage of heart and soul that it takes to make that type of decision. It isn't about personal selfishness, laziness, or what is most convenient. Placing a child for adoption is truly about love...the deep, divine, unselfish love that can't be defined. It takes so much courage and faith and trust. I have the utmost respect, love, and admiration for the 2 birth mothers and birth father that have trusted in that love and entrusted us with these beautiful children. They will always have a very important place in our family's life. We owe them so much.

And so in 24 hours, our family changed...eternally. How about that? Reminds me that you never, ever know what is right around the corner...life is a miracle. Families are a miracle. Heavenly Father is aware of every single detail of our lives, our hopes, our dreams, our desires. And He makes us equal to the task. We have truly seen miracles. Like anything in life, this has required many steps of faith in to the darkness and every time we have been amazed not only at the light lighting our path but at the people the Lord has sent to provide that light. There are angels all around us, on our every side, both seen and unseen. I am holding one in my arms right now.