May Days

Busy, busy month...but looking forward to the lazy, hazy days of summer which are right around the corner! The 2 "big" boys are playing lots of soccer, Matt is gearing up for baseball season, we are attending band concerts, Scout activities, Hero wax museums, school field trips and "end of the year" activities, Poetry Cafes, still doing homework, etc. etc. etc.

But I love my mornings when it is just Baby and me.

After the morning rush of waking up school age kids, fixing lunches, doing hair, reading scriptures, eating breakfast, saying prayers, losing shoes, and frantically locating lost library books, Baby and I sit on the front porch and listen to the birds sing. Then we move into the living room where we sit by the big picture window in the warm sunshine and play. We sing songs, do Pat a Cake, giggle, do tummy time, read books, play with toys...whatever strikes our fancy.

We play until Baby gets hungry and then we sit in the big blue chair. Baby snuggles in my arms and drinks his milk and I read my scriptures. And it is quiet. I have a moment to breathe...and to look at my baby and marvel. He is perfection...and I love every moment I have to be at home with him. I am more content and happy than I would have imagined possible doing this thing at this stage in my life. I know how quickly it goes...how fleeting it can be. And I feel like I'm learning to stop and breathe more, to take mental pictures of my kids and the moments that are happening right now. I love it. Really, truly, deeply love it.

And after naps and milk and play time, we are both anxious for the big kids to come home. They walk in the door with papers and back packs and chaos and both Baby and I are truly happy to have them home. They each take turns making Baby laugh, holding him, playing with him...and in some strange way I know without a doubt that he misses them when they are gone. And Baby dozes in his bouncy seat in the kitchen while the big kids and I process the day over snacks and homework. In those moments of chaos, somehow everything seems right. It just feels right.

After we brought Baby home from the hospital, I printed out and put in a frame a quote by Joseph Campbell that summarizes the last few months of my life...it says... "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." I have said it before and I will say it again...I thought I knew what I wanted and needed in my life...I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has a bigger imagination and greater dreams for me than my own. I am constantly surprised, constantly in awe, constantly in a state of wonder at what I find waiting around the corners of my life. It isn't all roses and cupcakes but the sum of all the parts...good, bad, happy, painful...is something glorious to behold. And for the first time in a very long time...I feel content.

I am grateful for my 4 amazing children who delight me with their minds and hearts every single day. I am grateful for my husband who travels this road with me with humor, patience, kindness, and love. I am grateful to be a mother and a wife. I am grateful that I don't always get what I want but I can trust with perfect faith that I will get what I need...and I trust in the happiness that comes when I live my life with that faith. I am grateful for the passions and interests and talents with which the Lord has blessed me...and as I grow older, I am learning that every good thing has a purpose AND a time and season. I don't have to worry that opportunities and experiences are passing me by...I know if I have faith that all the things I feel and long to do will come by and by...in the Lord's time and in His way.

Tonight I am going to go to bed...and in the middle of the night I will wake up and listen for my Baby sleeping in his bed at the side of my bed. I will hear him breathe and once again marvel at the miracle he is in my life and in the lives of my family. When he is ready, I will pick him up and we will tiptoe into the rooms of Jacob, Matthew, and Hannah so I can see their faces and know they are safe. I will delight in the stories and drawings and art supplies strewn throughout Hannah's room, I will gently pull out the many books sleeping in Jake's bed with him, and I will trip over at least 2 shin guards and some dirty soccer socks to kiss Matthew's cheek. And then Baby and I will get a bottle of milk and dose together in the big, blue chair.

And I will marvel.