Mom Mail

Yesterday when my 3 oldest children arrived home from school, they found an envelope taped on the front door. The instructions on the outside of the envelope told them to take it inside, sit on the living room couch together, open the letter, and take turns reading it out loud. Here is what the letter said:

January 18, 2013

Dear Children,

Welcome home! I am so glad you are home safe and hopefully each of you had a good day at school. I hope you know that every day when you get in that car and drive away to school, I stand at the window and offer a silent prayer to Heavenly Father that He will watch over you, bless you, and bring you safely home to me. I love each of you so much! You are my greatest treasures!

I love being a mom. It is the greatest job I have ever had and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father gave me this privilege and blessing. Being a mom is hard work though. I have never worked harder in my life at anything! I look into your faces every day and I want so badly to be the kind of mother each of you needs. I want each of you to grow up and do all the wonderful things you want to do and that Heavenly Father has planned for you. Your lives can be amazing…if you have been given the right tools and training, if you have learned important principles and know how to live them, and if you are willing to place your trust in the Lord and work hard.

This is where I am very concerned.

Today after you left for school, I spent 3 hours cleaning up after you! 3 hours!!!! I wasn’t cleaning my messes or Dad’s messes or even Spencer’s messes…I was cleaning up after the 3 of you.

I spent almost an hour cleaning the upstairs bathroom. There were mounds of clothes and socks and dirty underwear. There were towels all over the floor…I couldn’t tell if they were clean or dirty. And once I cleaned up all the stuff on the floor, I scrubbed poop that was smeared and dried on the floor, side of the toilet, and on the seat of the toilet. I can’t believe a bathroom in our house had poop smeared and dried all over the place. I was truly in shock and then angry that the 3 of you would let something like that happen…and that no one cared enough to clean it up. You just assumed someone else would clean it for you. That is NOT what my job as a mother is.

Next I went downstairs. I picked up clothes laying all over the stairs and hallway. By the time I reached the laundry room, my arms were full of your stuff…just from walking down the stairs. And then I opened the laundry room door…actually, I had to PUSH to open the laundry room door. And then I just stood there. I was mad. I was sad. I was frustrated. I was disappointed. The laundry room was COVERED in clothes, socks, underwear, shoes, towels, bathrobes…thrown on the floor. Clothes were pulled out of the dryer. Wet clothes were on the floor. I couldn’t tell what was clean or dirty. The dirty clothes baskets and your clothes containers were sitting RIGHT THERE! I couldn’t believe I had 3 children who were so lazy, so inconsiderate, that they couldn’t simply drop dirty or clean clothes where they belong. Cleaning that laundry room took almost an hour and a half. I sorted through YOUR things. I touched YOUR dirty underwear. And I felt so sad. I put things in your clothes buckets and discovered there were clothes…clean and dirty…thrown in random buckets. And so I cleaned out your buckets. That is NOT what my job as a mother is.

The 3 of you are amazing people. You have been blessed with SO much…so many strengths, talents, abilities, and blessings. But what I saw today…what I have seen over the last few months…tells me that I am failing as a mom and that what I HAVE been doing is not working. I have begged, bribed, pleaded, cried, yelled, and threatened and still nothing has changed. And so we are changing how we are doing things. 

You will find your closets and clothes buckets have been emptied. You have been left with your school uniform clothes, 2 play shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of underwear, 2 pairs of socks, 1 set of pajamas, and one pair of shoes. If any of these items are left out or put in the wrong place, they will also be taken. If the items become dirty, YOU will be responsible for washing, folding, and putting them away. If your school clothes are dirty, YOU are responsible for making sure they are clean. 

Your job is to demonstrate that you are grateful for these items and that you are capable of taking care of them. It is all you have. Take care of it, or lose it. Wash it or wear it dirty. It is now YOUR responsibility.

In a couple of weeks, if you have demonstrated your ability to be grateful for what you have AND to show that gratitude by taking care of it properly, then I will give you the opportunity to BUY back some of your other clothes. That’s right…you will have to earn money and BUY back the things that have been taken. That money will be earned through your points that you receive for doing your other chores. How hard you work, how quickly you obey, how serious you take your responsibilities will determine whether or not you can be trusted with other things.

My job as your mother is to teach you gratitude, obedience, the importance of hard work, how to take care of yourselves and your property, how to serve others, how to live the gospel of Jesus Christ…my job is NOT to clean poop off the bathroom floor, pick up your dirty clothes, clean up after you, or beg you to get your chores done. You will be successful and happy in life if I can teach you that for every choice there is a consequence. You have to make good choices to receive good consequences. There are no free rides and I will NOT do for you what you can and should do for yourselves.

I know this may seem like a punishment to you…but it is not. Your Heavenly Father and Savior are counting on you. Your future husband and wives are counting on you. Your future children, the people you will teach in the mission field, the employers you will work for, and your family right now are counting on you. So much is at stake and I will do my best not to fail you in teaching you these important lessons so your lives can be filled with the joy, peace, security, and happiness that come when you  know what is important and aren’t afraid to do “hard” things.

I love you. We are going to have some interesting experiences together in the upcoming year. I can’t wait.

All My Love,

Mom

 Over the last few weeks, I have been reading an amazing book entitled "Cleaning House: A Mom's 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement" by Kay Wills Wyma.

I picked up the book because of the brilliant title...it definitely spoke to my mom heart...but I have truly been inspired, humbled, and motivated as I've read her thoughts about raising children in this day and age and some of the very real challenges our children face on the road to becoming successful, happy, productive adults. I realized I needed to make some changes in how I was doing things. And yesterday provided the impetus to take the first drastic step.

"With the greatest of intentions and in the name of love, we have developed a tendency to hover, race in to save, protect from failure, arrange for success, manipulate, overprotect, and enable our kids. Freeing their schedules for sports, school, and  increasingly important time with friends, we strive to make our children's lives easier or to make success a sure thing by doing it all for them. We shower them with accolades, proclaiming how wonderful they are--yet we rarely give them the opportunity to confirm the substance of that praise. All our efforts send the clear, though unspoken and unintended message "I'll do it for you because you can't" or "No sense in your trying because I can do it better and faster."

Those messages are really the OPPOSITE of what I want my kids to hear from me. I want them to hear the truth---that with hard work, perseverance, and discipline, they can do anything they put their minds and muscles to.

This realization convinced me of the need to redefine my parenting approach. Instead of communicating "I love you, so let me make life easy for you," I decided that my message needed to be something more along these lines: "I love you. I believe in you. I know what you're capable of. So I'm going to make you work."" (Cleaning House, pg. 4)

We have outlined 12 things we would like our children to learn to do by the end of this year. Each month, we will introduce the "theme" of the month. We will discuss the task in depth on the first Monday of the month at Family Home Evening and provide very specific instruction on how we are going to accomplish the goal throughout the month. I have come to realize that if I want something done "right" or if I expect something done a specific way, then I need to be specific in how I "train" my children to do that task. So many times we get frustrated at our children for not doing a chore correctly but have we taken the time to really demonstrate for them the way to do it? Are we expecting them to read our minds and then becoming frustrated when they don't? I'm afraid I've been guilty of this very crime many, many times! So I will strive to be specific...and open to the fact that sometimes (lots of times) my children find a better way/different way/creative way to perform a task and that we are going to be learning from each other.

Our theme for this month is "Clutter Free"...we are learning that everything in our home has a place and that our home is a much BETTER place to be when we take the time to put things away.We are also trying to emphasize that learning to take care of our things is a significant way to show GRATITUDE for what we have been given. And so, when my children left such an enormous mess yesterday, I took away all of their clothes and we will start small...start with the basics. We will learn to take care of a few things and if we can demonstrate our ability to do so, we can add upon that. 

"The only way to conquer youth entitlement is one house at a time. What a privilege we have to celebrate all that these kids have to offer and to help them realize their potential by bringing on the work. It's incredibly exciting to consider the abundant possibilities just around the corner for a generation empowered by parents and other adults who believe in them, support them by teaching real-life skills, and then pile on the responsibility. Think about the ramifications of unleashing this tech-savvy crew on global economic issues, seemingly incurable diseases, and age-old political conflict.

So here's to seeing what can happen when we tell our kids, "I believe in you, and I'm going to prove it by putting you to work." Let the empowering Experiment begin!"

(Cleaning House, pg. 15)