On July 16, 1999, I stood under a swinging chandelier while the rain dripped through the slats of the wooden pagoda and watched a wild summer storm move in over what was supposed to be our outdoor wedding reception. I assure you I had many conflicting emotions during that storm but the one thought I remember most clear is, "At least we will have a great story to tell!"
Every person's life is composed of chapters in a grand story. Some chapters are happy, some are sad, some are funny or embarrassing, some are comprised of all those things. But every person has a remarkable story that they are living. My personal story started long before that storm on my wedding day but the story of my own family began that day. And what stories we can tell!
We are approaching 13 years of marriage. We have 4 beautiful children whose individual grand entrances into our family are stories in and of themselves. But I'd like to share the "entrance" story of our 4th child. He joined our family 7 weeks ago and came to us a little differently than our other 3 children. His story started with so many other people being willing to share their personal stories. I find great strength in the personal experiences of others...I always have. I have a storytellers heart. I believe writing our stories first and foremost helps us "remember"...remembering on so many levels is incredibly important, not just for us personally but for those in our present and in our future. I believe sharing helps others on their journeys. It is through the powerful stories and testimonies of others that Spencer was able to find his way to our family. The Lord puts the individuals with the right experiences and stories in our paths for a reason. He knows we can't do it alone and we can find great courage and strength in those that have walked that path before us. I also believe that sharing our life stories is a way of sharing our testimonies...and I have a deep, abiding testimony of families...eternal families...and how important they are to the Lord. And so with these promptings nagging at my mind, I would like to share Spencer's story.
Once upon a
time…Chris and I started a family. We had 3 children fairly quickly and I knew
after having #3 that I was going to need a little break. But I also had the very
strong impression that there was another child…a boy. I remember telling Chris
my impression and in our sleep-deprived, exhausted state he asked if we could
just focus on the 3 little ones we had for a little while. And when I arrived
home with our darling new daughter and saw my 3 year old and 2 year old, I knew
I was going to need some time.
But the
impression always stayed with me. I knew there was another child meant for our
family…and I knew with almost perfect certainty that it was going to be a boy.
Several times over the years I would count our children and find they were all
there even though I felt like someone was missing. I would look around for
someone who wasn’t there. Our family wasn’t complete.
When Hannah
was almost 2 years old, we decided we were ready to start trying for baby #4.
We had been able to have the other 3 children with relative ease but this time
around, things were not happening as quickly as we hoped. I became pregnant in
February 2008 but we discovered after only a couple of weeks that it was an
ectopic pregnancy. Because of the shot they use to treat ectopic pregnancies,
we were unable to continue trying to become pregnant for a minimum of 3 months.
This allowed us to emotionally take a break and refocus on what the next course
of action was going to be.
We decided to
visit with our family doctor and perhaps do some simple tests to determine if
there were an obvious, “easy” solution to the problem and what was creating the
difficulty. After running some basic tests on Chris and I, the doctor
recommended we try artificial insemination. He was unable to see anything that
would be causing a problem and felt this might be a simple, effective procedure
that would increase our chances. We underwent this procedure one time in October
of 2008 with no success. I think I tried the drug Clomid a couple of times but
felt this wasn’t the solution. We were becoming increasingly frustrated and
discouraged with the process. We spent a small fortune on ovulation kits and
pregnancy tests and found ourselves disappointed every month when things didn’t
work out the way we were hoping.
Now may I
take a moment and acknowledge something…I realize that for a couple trying
desperately to have a child, our story may seem very frustrating. We had had
the blessing of having 3 children! We should have been satisfied, content,
grateful…and we were. But we knew the promptings that we had were very real and
felt that this was the Lord’s will for our family. Every step of this journey
was filled with a very deep sense of gratitude for the blessings we had been
able to enjoy of being parents and raising these 3 children but we absolutely
could not shake the very real feeling that a child was missing. We had to
follow the promptings of the Spirit and the strong emotions in our hearts.
Somewhere in the middle of this process, I began to consider
adoption. Since the time I was a teenager, I had wondered if I was going to
adopt. I don’t know why…just a thought that rattled around in my head
occasionally. I had always felt comfortable with the idea and as time passed
and I approached my 40th birthday, I began to wonder more and more
if this were the option we should be considering. I also began to feel some
hesitation at the physical and emotional difficulties of being pregnant again.
While my pregnancies were very normal and typical, my post-partum with each of
our children was a nightmare. I suffered from terrible anxiety that left me
unable to sleep, eat, relax, or focus. It was awful…and as our children were
getting older, I worried about how they would react to seeing me in this
situation and in my ability to take care of my family and myself. I remember
cautiously bringing the idea of adoption up with Chris but he expressed some
serious reservation and concern. While I had tossed this idea around in my
brain for years and years, it just wasn’t something that he had considered. And
he wasn’t quite ready to go that direction. He needed time. And I respected
that and didn’t feel a need to press it at that point. The seed had been
planted…I felt certain if this were the route we were to eventually take, that
it would happen in the right timeframe. With anything in life, this was about
timing and that timing will always happen in the Lord’s timeframe whether we
understand it or not. I did have faith in that…even though it was difficult not
to feel frustrated or discouraged sometimes.
Time passed.
The year before my 40th birthday was a hard one. I think I
experienced my very own “mid-life crisis” where I was measuring where I was in
my life next to where I thought I would be. I thought I would have at least 4
children. I didn’t expect to be finished with the young child rearing stage so
soon. I always thought there would be more children after Hannah. I regretted
not having enjoyed those days more. I wished I had cherished my small children
and slowed down the pace of our life. My kids were suddenly all starting
elementary school and I was faced with “what am I going to do with my life”. I
was trying to find a balance between what I had believed was the path for our
family versus the reality of what might really be happening. I went through
several months of feeling like in some strange way I was mourning the life I
had planned and the children we had wanted. We had quite literally tried
everything we could. I didn’t know what else we could do. I felt as if we were
trying to keep one foot in the place we had been while also recognizing that we
needed to move forward as a family and plan for the future. We were stalled and
I felt like we just needed to make a decision and move forward. But I was
having a hard time deciding what that was supposed to look like.
During this
time, our family was blessed by some truly remarkable friendships. Within our
ward boundaries, 8 families have adopted children. Our children have grown up
with friends and neighbors in transracial families, children from a variety of
backgrounds and races. I was able to reconnect with a dear friend who had
adopted all 3 of her children…one son who was white and 2 daughters who were
African-American. I also became good friends with a woman who had 2 biological
children and had adopted one daughter from the Marshall Islands. These
friendships would prove absolutely invaluable as we started to unknowingly move
down the path of adoption. I would ask them question after question about their
experiences and spent lots of time watching and admiring their families and
relationships. I remember a stake conference several years ago where President
Henry B. Eyring came and spoke. One of the topics he focused on was helping us
each recognize individually that where we were living was not an accident but a
very real direction from the Lord. We were living in our stake, in our wards,
in our neighborhoods for a very real purpose. The Lord guided and directed our
families here. I had never really considered that before but as we started on
this journey, I could see how very real and powerful that concept was.
Especially as I look back, I can see that so many of the friends and individuals
we came in contact with provided support and examples that we desperately
needed. I am so grateful to all the people who answered my questions and shared
their stories. I am so grateful for the examples of these families who may
never know how much who they are and how they interacted affected me. We needed
the people and friends in this neighborhood and in this ward. And I am so
grateful that they were there and willing to be guides and mentors. The Lord
works in such miraculous ways. It is hard to see when we are in the middle of a
situation how truly inspired everything around us is. And if we are lucky, we
will have that moment when the veil is pulled from our eyes and we can marvel
at the journey we have been on and how so many small miracles occurred to bless
us. Not one thing is our life is an accident. Every experience, every trial,
every occurrence happens for a reason. It may be to prepare us for something.
It may be so that we can become better instruments in the Lord’s hands to bless
and serve others. It may be to teach us. But every person we come in contact
with, every conversation we have, every opportunity afforded us can lead to
wonderful blessings. We can’t take for granted where we are and what is around
us...or why we have been given the experiences we have. They all serve a purpose…even
the difficult ones. I look back over the last 5 years and truly marvel at the
journey we have been on and how every little piece has fit together into a
glorious “whole”. The Lord and His plan for each of His children is
breathtaking. He has a purpose for each one of us. I have such a testimony of
that.
By spring of
2011, I felt I had come to some peace about where my life was and the
possibilities the future held. We had 3 amazing, beautiful children who were
growing up and our family was able to do things we hadn’t been able to do
before. I began to consider the
possibility of going back to work and that excited me! I truly started having
more days where I was excited about the future and the possibilities that lay
in store for our family at this stage in our lives. And I also began to feel
overwhelmed at the prospect of having a newborn and “starting over”. I really
felt like I had found some peace and was ready to see what was around the next
corner. But what I found around that corner was not what I expected…
Stay tuned for Part 2!
