His Side of the Story...Part 3 of our Adoption Story

Wow. It is officially taken us one year to write our adoption story. Nothing like taking a long story and making it even longer. Brevity (and punctuality) has never been a strength. Ever. On the side bar I have put a link to part 1 and part 2 of the story...just in case it has been sooooo long that you no longer even know what I'm referring to.

Last August we were both asked to speak in sacrament meeting. We were each given general conference talks that we were asked to combine our adoption story with as our topics. I will post both of our talks...although Chris' really tells the next part of our story the best. It was an opportunity to truly publicly express our gratitude and share our testimonies of the reality of our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ and the tender mercies that fill all of our lives. Here is Part 3...

Sacrifice
From Elder Dallin H. Oaks’s talk in April 2012 General Conference.

Talk given by Chris Carr

8/12/2012

Good afternoon, brothers and sisters. It is an honor to stand before you today and I ask for your prayers that I may be guided by the Spirit and that the Holy Ghost may speak the words to your heart that will be most meaningful to each of you. As you can see, I have been blessed with an amazing wife and 4 beautiful children, and in case you couldn’t tell from Amy’s wonderful talk, in addition to being asked to speak on specific talks from the last General Conference, Brother Franson also asked if we would relate those talks to our experience in our son Spencer coming into our family, which will certainly be my pleasure.

The talk I was assigned was Elder Dallin H. Oaks talk on Sacrifice. He begins with reminding us of the greatest sacrifice, that of Jesus Christ. He says:

The atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ has been called the “most transcendent of all events from creation’s dawn to the endless ages of eternity.”¹ That sacrifice is the central message of all the prophets. It was prefigured by the animal sacrifices prescribed by the law of Moses. A prophet declared that their whole meaning “point[ed] to that great and last sacrifice [of] … the Son of God, yea, infinite and eternal” (Alma 34:14). Jesus Christ endured incomprehensible suffering to make Himself a sacrifice for the sins of all.

Elder Oaks continues:

The incomprehensible suffering of Jesus Christ ended sacrifice by the shedding of blood, but it did not end the importance of sacrifice in the gospel plan. Our Savior requires us to continue to offer sacrifices, but the sacrifices He now commands are that we “offer for a sacrifice unto [Him] a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (3 Nephi 9:20). He also commands each of us to love and serve one another—in effect, to offer a small imitation of His own sacrifice by making sacrifices of our own time and selfish priorities.

Now, for me this is often the hard part—sacrificing my own selfish priorities. We accept the atonement of the Savior, but that idea of imitating that great sacrifice by giving our time and resources, and offering a broken heart and contrite spirit can be daunting, if we even put aside our own desires long enough to think about it at all, and say, “Thy will, O Lord, be done.”

Allow me to share a part of the journey our family has recently experienced as we’ve learned that Sacrifice truly can bring forth the blessings of heaven when we put aside our personal perceptions of how our lives should be, and seek to know and do the Lord’s will.

Last September during a stake Priesthood meeting President Mitchell made a promise to everyone in attendance. I keep a notebook (which is more of a sketchbook –more doodles than notes) and I was impressed to write what he said:

“Write down 2 or 3 questions or concerns and we will find the answers we’re looking for if we listen in conference.”

It was simple, but for us, it ended up making all the difference.

On the Saturday morning of October conference, right before the first session, with President Mitchell’s promise still fresh in my mind, and fully trusting that the Lord would honor this promise, Amy and I sat down and made a list. At the top of that list was the question: “What does the Lord want for our family? Adoption?” As Amy mentioned, this had been on our minds for some time, but we hadn’t felt like we had received a clear answer yet.

And then we listened. When Elder Neil Anderson got up and gave his talk on Children, a spiritual chord was struck. It didn’t take long to realize he was speaking to US! His statement that having children is what God gave us time for, and his story about Elder Mason that had a spiritual confirmation that they would have  7^th child, but had to wait 8 years for that baby, and then the story about  the mission president and his wife that had adopted several children after 25 years of married life, opened our hearts to the Spirit that bore testimony that this Apostle’s words contained truth ,and an answer that we had searched so long for. I don’t think Amy and I dared to look at each other during the talk, but at the end we could see in each other’s eyes that we both knew that we had received our answer. I think Amy said something like “could the answer be any more obvious?” We knew that the Lord would send us another child, and he would come to our family through adoption.

Once we had our answer, the path immediately became clear, like the Red Sea parting, or like a light being turned on in a darkened room. That very day we sent an email to an adoption agency that we had been casually looking at for a while, but hadn’t heard back from with our requests for more information. Literally within minutes of sending the email, the agency called us and we were able to set up an appointment to get together and start the process within a few days.

Still, obstacles remained—the questions about finances, the 7-year gap that had allowed us to start to move on to that next phase of life, not to mention the anxiety of all the unknowns that come with adoption, or child-rearing in general for that matter. BUT WE HAD OUR CONFIRMATION, AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERED. Yes, sacrifices would have to be made— our finances would be depleted, restful nights would be replaced with sleepless nights and diapers and feedings, we definitely weren’t getting any younger, and our family’s routine would be seriously disrupted. Amy had just gone back to work part time at our kid’s school, and we knew that that would need to change as well.

OUR LIVES WOULD BE DIFFERENT, and that was a little scary. But even with all that in the back of our minds, FAITH RULED. We knew what the Lord wanted for us and expected from us, and that there was a baby out there who needed us as much as we needed him. And with that knowledge, those big sacrifices all of a sudden seemed insignificant. The Lord had given us the answer we sought, and He would provide the way. We had no doubt that He would. AND HE DID.

Over the next 3 months we were guided through the challenging process of applying for adoption. Everything fell into place just at the right time, and time after time we recognized the Lord’s hand with small miracle after small miracle until Spencer came into our lives this past January. And what seemed like such impossibility just a few months earlier, we were now literally holding in our arms.

While this experience is special to us, we are not unique in receiving blessings through sacrifice. Elder Oaks in his talk illustrates the sacrifices that many new members of the church make when they act on pure faith to accept the restored gospel. He recounts a story of young man who found the gospel while studying in the United States. As he was preparing to return home to his native country, President Hinckley asked him what would happen when he returned as a Christian. The man answered that his family would be disappointed, that they would cast him out and count him as dead, and that it may be detrimental to his career.

President Hinckley asked. “Are you willing to pay so great a price for the gospel?”

Tearfully the young man answered, “It’s true, isn’t it?” “Then what else matters?” That is the spirit of sacrifice among many of our new members.

I was blessed to witness similar situations on my mission—members in Italy often were faced with being ostracized by their families and communities for betraying not only the family’s religion, but for rejecting generations of tradition. Let me tell you of a man I taught named Maurizio Gardi. Maurizio was a wonderful young father living in the town of Cosenza in southern Italy, extremely well liked and respected in the community. He loved the church and the missionaries, but, as is often the case, struggled with the Word of Wisdom. He loved his glass of wine and was addicted to cigarettes. But somewhere along the line something clicked and he came to that point of no return—he knew that the church was true and that nothing else mattered. He had that testimony that would lift him up and make all of the necessary sacrifices worthwhile. And it wasn’t easy. His baptism was bitter-sweet for him. While he knew this was the right thing, he was saddened that his wife and extended family refused to have any part of it. He came alone to his baptism then returned that evening to an angry wife. When it came time to be ordained to the priesthood, the situation at home grew even tenser.

Maurizio owned a small flower shop at the bus station that did good business, and I remember at one point shortly after his baptism he told me (only half-jokingly) that he would probably be arrested for tax evasion once the government noticed a huge spike in his reported sales taxes which he now, being a Mormon, felt compelled to pay because Mormons are supposed to be honest (apparently it was very common for businesses in Italy to grossly under report their taxes)

But Maurizio endured with a faith, and through his example opened doors for many extended family members and friends to enter the waters of baptism. Several years later, even his wife’s heart was softened, and she and eventually all of their children joined the church. He made the necessary sacrifices, and for him and his family, it was worth it.

A few weeks ago our family took a very long road trip vacation, eventually ending up at Martin’s Cove in Wyoming. While there, I was reminded of the tremendous sacrifices those handcart pioneers made. They did it because they had reached the point of no return, not only physically, but spiritually. They knew the gospel was true, and that whatever sacrifice required for the gospel would be worth it, not only for them but for us, their descendants.

Shortly after Spencer’s birth, I noticed that a little framed quote appeared on the lamp table in our living room. It says:

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us” (Joseph Campbell )

In other words, we need to humble ourselves, and be willing to sacrifice our earthly comforts and selfish way of life in order to be worthy of the life the Lord has planned for us. Or, as Elder Oaks says “…we followers of Christ  must make our own sacrifices to prepare for the destiny that (the plan of salvation) provides for us. “

Brothers and sisters, I bear you my testimony that I know we have a loving Heavenly Father, and that he willingly sent his son, Jesus Christ to atone for our sins and give his life so that we have the assurance of Immortality and the opportunity of eternal life. He expects us to love and serve and sacrifice our own selfish priorities, but the Lord is eager to pour out his blessing upon us if we but offer up a broken heart and a contrite spirit as a sacrifice and seek to know and follow his will. He knows each of us as individuals and will bless us individually.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

Amy's talk given in sacrament meeting on August 12, 2012

I would like to begin today by sharing a parable told by the Savior found in Matthew chapter 20. But as Nephi has suggested, I will “liken” this parable scripture to a situation I have frequently found myself in.

1 For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a mother that is an householder, which went out early in the morning to ask her children for help in accomplishing the day’s chores;

 2 And when she had agreed with the first child for a dollar a day, she sent him into the house to work.

 3 And she went out about the third hour, and saw others standing ^aidle in the family room in front of the television,

 4 And said unto the second child; Go ye also to help with chores, and whatsoever is right I will give you. And he went on his way.

 5 Again she went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise.

 6 And about the ^aeleventh hour she went out, and found one more child standing idle watching Disney Channel, and saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle?

7 He say unto her, Because no man hath hired me. She saith unto him, Go ye also into the house; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive.

 8 So when evening was come, the mother of the household saith unto her husband, Call the children who have been laboring, and let us give them their pay beginning from the last unto the first.

 9 And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received a dollar.

 10 But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; but they likewise received a dollar.

 11 And when they had received it, they wailed and gnashed their teeth and threw a mammoth tantrum against the woman of the house,

 12 Saying, This last has wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day.

13 But she answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not thou agree with me for a dollar?

 14 Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto thee.

  16 So the ^alast shall be first, and the first last: for many be ^bcalled, but few chosen.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Has there ever been a time in your home where children have called “foul play” because they perceive something to be “not fair” or unequal? Children have a very strong innate sense of justice and do not hesitate to point out when they feel they have been slighted or unfairly dealt with in comparison to others. And typically a parent’s response may be along the lines of “That’s life. Deal with it.”

But as parents and adults, are we often guilty of the same thing? As laborers in the Lord’s vineyard, do we sometimes find ourselves crying out that we have been dealt with unfairly or unequally in some of our life experiences?

In President Holland’s April 2012 general conference address entitled “The Laborers in the Vineyard”, he points out the following about the Savior’s parable…

First of all it is important to note that no one has been treated unfairly here. The first workers agreed to the full wage of the day, and they received it.

Indeed, if there is any sympathy to be generated, it should at least initially be for the men not chosen who also had mouths to feed and backs to clothe. Luck never seemed to be with some of them. With each visit of the steward throughout the day, they always saw someone else chosen.

But just at day’s close, the householder returns a surprising fifth time with a remarkable eleventh-hour offer! These last and most discouraged of laborers, hearing only that they will be treated fairly, accept work without even knowing the wage, knowing that anything will be better than nothing, which is what they have had so far. Then as they gather for their payment, they are stunned to receive the same as all the others! How awestruck they must have been and how very, very grateful! Surely never had such compassion been seen in all their working days.

It is with that reading of the story that I feel the grumbling of the first laborers must be seen. As the householder in the parable tells them (and I paraphrase only slightly): “My friends, I am not being unfair to you. You agreed on the wage for the day, a good wage. You were very happy to get the work, and I am very happy with the way you served. You are paid in full. Take your pay and enjoy the blessing.

Elder Holland continues by showing how this “ancient” parable has a very real application for us in our day and time…

Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those.

Furthermore, envy is a mistake that just keeps on giving. Obviously we suffer a little when some misfortune befalls us, but envy requires us to suffer all good fortune that befalls everyone we know! What a bright prospect that is—downing another quart of pickle juice every time anyone around you has a happy moment! To say nothing of the chagrin in the end, when we find that God really is both just and merciful, giving to all who stand with Him “all that he hath, ²as the scripture says. So lesson number one from the Lord’s vineyard: coveting, pouting, or tearing others down does not elevate your standing, nor does demeaning someone else improve your self-image. So be kind, and be grateful that God is kind. It is a happy way to live.

Several years ago, Chris and I decided there was another baby meant to join our family. Assuming that this was a righteous desire and feeling prompted by the Spirit, we eagerly awaited the arrival of this 4^th child. And we waited…and waited…and waited. And while we waited, I began to wonder. Why was this taking so long? Had I not been specific enough in my directive to the Lord? Was this not a righteous desire? Isn’t this what I am SUPPOSED to want? How many more talks do I have to hear about motherhood and the importance of families before I receive this blessing? Why isn’t this happening???

Now allow me to take a moment and acknowledge something…I realize that for a couple trying desperately to have a child, this story may seem very frustrating and/or selfish. We had had the blessing of having 3 children! We should have been satisfied, content, grateful…and we were. But we knew the promptings that we had were real and felt that this was the Lord’s will for our family. Every step of this journey was filled with a very deep sense of gratitude for the blessings we had been able to enjoy of being parents and raising these 3 children but we absolutely could not shake the very real feeling that a child was missing.

But it was hard during this time to “wait upon the Lord” patiently and not feel envious or jealous every time someone else received the blessing WE so desperately wanted. And I’m embarrassed to say that sometimes I let my thoughts even go so far as to say, “Why them?”

When we are yearning for a righteous desire, when we are feeling sorrow or grief at a situation that has happened, when we perceive that things always seem to work out for “so and so” and never for us, it may feel that it takes superhuman strength beyond our mortal abilities to be able to feel genuine joy for someone else’s good fortune. But we know that it is possible…with the Lord’s help. Elder Holland states:

My beloved brothers and sisters, what happened in this story at 9:00 or noon or 3:00 is swept up in the grandeur of the universally generous payment at the end of the day. The formula of faith is to hold on, work on, see it through, and let the distress of earlier hours—real or imagined—fall away in the abundance of the final reward. Don’t dwell on old issues or grievances—not toward yourself nor your neighbor nor even, I might add, toward this true and living Church. The majesty of your life, of your neighbor’s life, and of the gospel of Jesus Christ will be made manifest at the last day, even if such majesty is not always recognized by everyone in the early going. So don’t hyperventilate about something that happened at 9:00 in the morning when the grace of God is trying to reward you at 6:00 in the evening—whatever your labor arrangements have been through the day.

Throughout my life, and even through the years of trying to come to some peace regarding having another child, I have wasted what Elder Holland calls “precious emotional and spiritual capital” clinging to perceived injustices or inequalities.

We know that our Savior Jesus Christ is perfectly just and merciful.

We know that our individual lives are known and that we are loved with an absolutely perfect love that extends beyond our mortal ability to comprehend.

We know the great plan of our Heavenly Father and know that we celebrated and accepted that plan in the great councils of heaven. “Men are that they might have joy”… but perhaps to attain that type of divine joy we need to trust more in the perfect plan He has for each of us that will provide unique experiences enabling us to truly understand and embrace that type of joy. And sometimes that involves “opposition in all things.” Because we are each individual sons and daughters of a divine Heavenly Father, we each learn and experience things differently. Life is about our individual learning styles and needs…not about leveling or dumbing down the playing field. As the Lord told Joseph Smith:

If thou art called to pass through ^atribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; 

If thou art ^aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee;

If the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to ^chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of ^dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee ^eexperience, and shall be for thy good.

The ^aSon of Man hath ^bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

I think the desire to have another child was about more than just getting what I wanted when I wanted it. It was about learning to have patience and trust in the Lord’s plan for us. It was about learning to trust Him and remembering that He is able to bring about the desires of my heart in ways I couldn’t even dream or imagine. I may THINK I know what I want and how I want it…but if I turn those righteous desires over to the Lord, He can and will make so much more of them than I can.

I’m going to let Chris finish the miraculous ending to our sweet baby Spencer joining our family!

Elder Holland elaborates on this truth by bearing testimony of the following:

This parable—like all parables—is not really about laborers or wages any more than the others are about sheep and goats. This is a story about God’s goodness, His patience and forgiveness, and the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is a story about generosity and compassion. It is a story about grace. It underscores the thought I heard many years ago that surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it.

I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in this parable, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.

Whether you are not yet of our faith or were with us once and have not remained, there is nothing in either case that you have done that cannot be undone. There is no problem which you cannot overcome. There is no dream that in the unfolding of time and eternity cannot yet be realized. Even if you feel you are the lost and last laborer of the eleventh hour, the Lord of the vineyard still stands beckoning. “Come boldly [to] the throne of grace,”³ and fall at the feet of the Holy One of Israel. Come and feast “without money and without price”⁴ at the table of the Lord.

I testify to you today that the principles taught by the Savior in his parable of the laborers are real and carry the secret to unlocking so much joy and fulfillment…no matter what our circumstances. I look back over my life and how I have chosen to handle certain experiences and not once has envy, jealousy, or the belittling of others brought me anything but sorrow and unhappiness. They have never solved problems or brought any comfort and peace. But every time that I have placed my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ and allowed Him to guide and direct me, I have found happiness, hope and an assurance that all will be made right in the end.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mary Poppins Has Left the House...

 

My friend Liz summarized it best this weekend...Mary Poppins has left the house...and dang the kids miss her. 

So the experiment has started. We've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm been really surprised by some parts...and not so surprised by others. Here is the short version...

The kids did not have a big reaction to the letter...they did comment on how long it was and did they have to read the WHOLE thing?! I think they were a little surprised by the literal description of all the surprises they left behind...and of course they spent 5 minutes defending themselves and throwing each other under the metaphorical bus when it came to who left the poop smeared on the floor. But reality sunk in over the next 24 hours as they discovered that their clothes buckets really were totally bare...and their closets...and their shoe cubbies in the garage. We talked several times about learning to be grateful for what we have...even if it isn't exactly what we wanted. Learning to see the glass half full instead of half empty...we may not have our gold glitter shoes but wow!...aren't you glad for your boots with the fleece lining when it is so cold outside? And when those are your ONLY shoes, you are much more conscientious about taking care of them.

"In truth, however, my REAL responsibility as a mother is to teach, not to handle tasks for them" (Cleaning House, pg. 19).

But here was the unexpected lesson I learned this weekend...my kids had a much smaller reaction to losing all their clothes because they have so much that they just don't care. There are a couple of items that they missed (Jake asked about his space camp shirt and Hannah asked if she could trade one of her outfits for her "Paris poodle" outfit) but I honestly don't think they will be interested in "buying" back half of what is in those buckets I put away. They won't even be able to tell me what is missing in a couple of days. And they aren't the ones that bought themselves all those clothes. It was ME! My children can get by on much less than we have given them. When they have to work and save and plan for things, they value it much greater which translates to being more aware and taking care of it. They understand its value...they have invested in it personally...and they are MUCH more likely to want to take care of it on their own. I realize I am preaching to the choir on this one...and that I am an EXTREMELY slow learner...but what a humbling lesson. The darling Gymboree outfits speak to me louder than they do my daughter...and it is hard because I love buying fun things for her. The Costco baby outfits scream to me...not my baby...and it is FUN! But in the long run, it has been detrimental to our family and our state of clutter. And so I have been reminded that my focus needs to shift elsewhere. Anything we buy, we have to care for. It will suck some of our time and energy...and is it worth that? Looking at what I buy through the lens of what I am willing to "manage" changes things considerably. If I bring it into the house, then I have to be prepared to find a place for it, pick it up, wash it, fix it, nag someone over it...and suddenly that just sounds plain exhausting!

And so I have learned not only to consider what I buy and bring IN to our home, but I have also learned to look at what we HAVE in our home with new eyes. I have filled 2 big boxes to be taken to D.I. because I want things to be used and appreciated and if our family is not capable or willing to do that, then I want a family who will.

"The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced the failure to take personal responsibility is an endemic issue for our culture. As our kids age, the youth entitlement problem leads to a needy society, incapable of critical thinking; incapable of making decisions; incapable of problem solving, creating, deducing, finding cures. Being overserved leads to atrophy of personal initiative. No wonder our kids opt out rather than dive into responsibility-laden opportunities" (Cleaning House, pg. 26).

CHALLENGE: Make a list of 12 tasks you would like your children to learn how to do this year. Assign a month to each task and start thinking about how you would like to implement teaching those new tasks to your family.

Mom Mail

Yesterday when my 3 oldest children arrived home from school, they found an envelope taped on the front door. The instructions on the outside of the envelope told them to take it inside, sit on the living room couch together, open the letter, and take turns reading it out loud. Here is what the letter said:

January 18, 2013

Dear Children,

Welcome home! I am so glad you are home safe and hopefully each of you had a good day at school. I hope you know that every day when you get in that car and drive away to school, I stand at the window and offer a silent prayer to Heavenly Father that He will watch over you, bless you, and bring you safely home to me. I love each of you so much! You are my greatest treasures!

I love being a mom. It is the greatest job I have ever had and I am so grateful that Heavenly Father gave me this privilege and blessing. Being a mom is hard work though. I have never worked harder in my life at anything! I look into your faces every day and I want so badly to be the kind of mother each of you needs. I want each of you to grow up and do all the wonderful things you want to do and that Heavenly Father has planned for you. Your lives can be amazing…if you have been given the right tools and training, if you have learned important principles and know how to live them, and if you are willing to place your trust in the Lord and work hard.

This is where I am very concerned.

Today after you left for school, I spent 3 hours cleaning up after you! 3 hours!!!! I wasn’t cleaning my messes or Dad’s messes or even Spencer’s messes…I was cleaning up after the 3 of you.

I spent almost an hour cleaning the upstairs bathroom. There were mounds of clothes and socks and dirty underwear. There were towels all over the floor…I couldn’t tell if they were clean or dirty. And once I cleaned up all the stuff on the floor, I scrubbed poop that was smeared and dried on the floor, side of the toilet, and on the seat of the toilet. I can’t believe a bathroom in our house had poop smeared and dried all over the place. I was truly in shock and then angry that the 3 of you would let something like that happen…and that no one cared enough to clean it up. You just assumed someone else would clean it for you. That is NOT what my job as a mother is.

Next I went downstairs. I picked up clothes laying all over the stairs and hallway. By the time I reached the laundry room, my arms were full of your stuff…just from walking down the stairs. And then I opened the laundry room door…actually, I had to PUSH to open the laundry room door. And then I just stood there. I was mad. I was sad. I was frustrated. I was disappointed. The laundry room was COVERED in clothes, socks, underwear, shoes, towels, bathrobes…thrown on the floor. Clothes were pulled out of the dryer. Wet clothes were on the floor. I couldn’t tell what was clean or dirty. The dirty clothes baskets and your clothes containers were sitting RIGHT THERE! I couldn’t believe I had 3 children who were so lazy, so inconsiderate, that they couldn’t simply drop dirty or clean clothes where they belong. Cleaning that laundry room took almost an hour and a half. I sorted through YOUR things. I touched YOUR dirty underwear. And I felt so sad. I put things in your clothes buckets and discovered there were clothes…clean and dirty…thrown in random buckets. And so I cleaned out your buckets. That is NOT what my job as a mother is.

The 3 of you are amazing people. You have been blessed with SO much…so many strengths, talents, abilities, and blessings. But what I saw today…what I have seen over the last few months…tells me that I am failing as a mom and that what I HAVE been doing is not working. I have begged, bribed, pleaded, cried, yelled, and threatened and still nothing has changed. And so we are changing how we are doing things. 

You will find your closets and clothes buckets have been emptied. You have been left with your school uniform clothes, 2 play shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of underwear, 2 pairs of socks, 1 set of pajamas, and one pair of shoes. If any of these items are left out or put in the wrong place, they will also be taken. If the items become dirty, YOU will be responsible for washing, folding, and putting them away. If your school clothes are dirty, YOU are responsible for making sure they are clean. 

Your job is to demonstrate that you are grateful for these items and that you are capable of taking care of them. It is all you have. Take care of it, or lose it. Wash it or wear it dirty. It is now YOUR responsibility.

In a couple of weeks, if you have demonstrated your ability to be grateful for what you have AND to show that gratitude by taking care of it properly, then I will give you the opportunity to BUY back some of your other clothes. That’s right…you will have to earn money and BUY back the things that have been taken. That money will be earned through your points that you receive for doing your other chores. How hard you work, how quickly you obey, how serious you take your responsibilities will determine whether or not you can be trusted with other things.

My job as your mother is to teach you gratitude, obedience, the importance of hard work, how to take care of yourselves and your property, how to serve others, how to live the gospel of Jesus Christ…my job is NOT to clean poop off the bathroom floor, pick up your dirty clothes, clean up after you, or beg you to get your chores done. You will be successful and happy in life if I can teach you that for every choice there is a consequence. You have to make good choices to receive good consequences. There are no free rides and I will NOT do for you what you can and should do for yourselves.

I know this may seem like a punishment to you…but it is not. Your Heavenly Father and Savior are counting on you. Your future husband and wives are counting on you. Your future children, the people you will teach in the mission field, the employers you will work for, and your family right now are counting on you. So much is at stake and I will do my best not to fail you in teaching you these important lessons so your lives can be filled with the joy, peace, security, and happiness that come when you  know what is important and aren’t afraid to do “hard” things.

I love you. We are going to have some interesting experiences together in the upcoming year. I can’t wait.

All My Love,

Mom

 Over the last few weeks, I have been reading an amazing book entitled "Cleaning House: A Mom's 12-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement" by Kay Wills Wyma.

I picked up the book because of the brilliant title...it definitely spoke to my mom heart...but I have truly been inspired, humbled, and motivated as I've read her thoughts about raising children in this day and age and some of the very real challenges our children face on the road to becoming successful, happy, productive adults. I realized I needed to make some changes in how I was doing things. And yesterday provided the impetus to take the first drastic step.

"With the greatest of intentions and in the name of love, we have developed a tendency to hover, race in to save, protect from failure, arrange for success, manipulate, overprotect, and enable our kids. Freeing their schedules for sports, school, and  increasingly important time with friends, we strive to make our children's lives easier or to make success a sure thing by doing it all for them. We shower them with accolades, proclaiming how wonderful they are--yet we rarely give them the opportunity to confirm the substance of that praise. All our efforts send the clear, though unspoken and unintended message "I'll do it for you because you can't" or "No sense in your trying because I can do it better and faster."

Those messages are really the OPPOSITE of what I want my kids to hear from me. I want them to hear the truth---that with hard work, perseverance, and discipline, they can do anything they put their minds and muscles to.

This realization convinced me of the need to redefine my parenting approach. Instead of communicating "I love you, so let me make life easy for you," I decided that my message needed to be something more along these lines: "I love you. I believe in you. I know what you're capable of. So I'm going to make you work."" (Cleaning House, pg. 4)

We have outlined 12 things we would like our children to learn to do by the end of this year. Each month, we will introduce the "theme" of the month. We will discuss the task in depth on the first Monday of the month at Family Home Evening and provide very specific instruction on how we are going to accomplish the goal throughout the month. I have come to realize that if I want something done "right" or if I expect something done a specific way, then I need to be specific in how I "train" my children to do that task. So many times we get frustrated at our children for not doing a chore correctly but have we taken the time to really demonstrate for them the way to do it? Are we expecting them to read our minds and then becoming frustrated when they don't? I'm afraid I've been guilty of this very crime many, many times! So I will strive to be specific...and open to the fact that sometimes (lots of times) my children find a better way/different way/creative way to perform a task and that we are going to be learning from each other.

Our theme for this month is "Clutter Free"...we are learning that everything in our home has a place and that our home is a much BETTER place to be when we take the time to put things away.We are also trying to emphasize that learning to take care of our things is a significant way to show GRATITUDE for what we have been given. And so, when my children left such an enormous mess yesterday, I took away all of their clothes and we will start small...start with the basics. We will learn to take care of a few things and if we can demonstrate our ability to do so, we can add upon that. 

"The only way to conquer youth entitlement is one house at a time. What a privilege we have to celebrate all that these kids have to offer and to help them realize their potential by bringing on the work. It's incredibly exciting to consider the abundant possibilities just around the corner for a generation empowered by parents and other adults who believe in them, support them by teaching real-life skills, and then pile on the responsibility. Think about the ramifications of unleashing this tech-savvy crew on global economic issues, seemingly incurable diseases, and age-old political conflict.

So here's to seeing what can happen when we tell our kids, "I believe in you, and I'm going to prove it by putting you to work." Let the empowering Experiment begin!"

(Cleaning House, pg. 15)

Celebrate

Tomorrow will be sweet baby Spencer's 1st birthday! It is so hard to fathom that a whole year has gone by since our son was born. Oh how I adore this baby! 

I love how his sweet face lights up when I go pick him up in the morning. 

I love his big smile with all those new pearly white teeth. I love his "cheesy" smile when he smiles so big his eyes close and he looks like the Cheshire cat. 

I love the corkscrew curls on top of his head that no one can keep their hands off (including strangers at Wal-Mart). 

I love his big brown eyes and how he looks for me in a room. 

I love that he loves to snuggle and wants nothing more than to be held and hugged and cuddled. 

I love his juicy, delicious thighs and the dimple on his left cheek, and how he can crawl so fast that it almost looks like his legs aren't touching the ground. 

I love finding him sitting in the dish washer helping his siblings "unload". 

I love that he giggles the whole way home after we have picked the kids up from school. I love how much his adores his brothers and sister and I love how tender, gentle, silly, funny and in love they are with their baby brother. 

 

I love his curiosity and the way he earnestly engages with the world around him. He is so smart…every day he amazes me with what he can do and how quickly he learns.

I love that when you ask him what a duck says, he quacks.

I love when he says “da da” or “mama” or “duck” or “dog”. He really likes dogs.

I love when he stands at the big window in the living room and intently watches the cars and birds and snow falling outside. He is an observer.

I love how much he loves to play. He loves peek-a-boo and hide n’ seek and toys. He loves balls of any sort and can actually throw the ball back and forth. He has discovered blocks and loves to build towers that he can then knock down. He loves the Fisher Price pirate ship that shoots a cannon ball and loves chewing on the parrot piece.

I love that he loves his blankets and always needs one to snuggle his face into and chew on.

I love that right before he goes to sleep, with his eyes closed, he will “talk” out loud to himself for a couple of minutes. I can’t WAIT for him to get a little older so I can understand what he is saying.

I love that he loves the song “Old McDonald” and that it makes him laugh every time. 

I love his passion for "Blue's Clues" and watching it with him on the Kindle snuggled in the red fuzzy blanket. He will sit and say "dog" the entire time. It always make me laugh.

I love that the "Old McDonald" Baby Einstein video on You Tube will always calm him down in the car if he is upset. 

I love having him sit in my lap while we read books. He always wants to eat the book and turn the pages.

Our first 3 children are very close together in age. While I loved having small children, it was also chaotic and busy and I didn’t feel like I just sat and enjoyed them as much as I wanted/should have. And in a blink of an eye, they were “big” kids and busy with life. With Spencer…I have been more content to sit in the blue chair and let the laundry and dishes pile up. Those things will always be there and always need to be done…but our babies are only ours for such a short time before we have to share them. The 7 year gap between #3 and #4 gave me some much needed perspective…and I am so, so grateful.

We have so much to celebrate tomorrow! Happy Birthday Sweet Spencer. I love you!